Who I Am
by a typical leo
Summary: He thinks the name Malfoy commands respect. I think it deserves nothing but disgust. What Draco really thinks about himself, his family and his so-called friends.


Disclaimer: Draco Malfoy and other characters are all copyright to J.K Rowling.  
  
Summary: A short story, from Draco's point of view, about what he really thinks about himself, his family, his house and so-called friends.  
  
Who I Am  
  
Nobody knows me, not really. They think they know me but that's only the image I want them to see. Most people perceive me to be cold and heartless and arrogant. Which is probably right…because that's the impression I give to cover up the fact that inside I am just a lonely insecure boy with nothing.  
  
My family, if you can call it that, isn't really much of a family. My father's mind is warped with twisted hopes of power, and the thought that I'm going to follow him, trying to bring me up to be like him. He doesn't care what I want; my opinions have never even been brought into it. He actually believes our name commands respect; to me it deserves nothing but disgust. My mother is just an empty vessel, merely a shell of what she once was. I can't remember the last time she hugged me. All these years putting up with my father being a death eater has made her withdraw into herself. So none of them love me really.  
  
Our family is just made out to be a tight clique when we're in public, but in reality my father spends his time locked up in his study doing god knows what, my mother just sits at the table totally lost in her thoughts of the way things once were. As for me I just spend my time roaming the house or locked in my room, wishing things were different. My father constantly tries to get me interested in the dark arts. I try to be what he wants me too, but I'm not sure I can. He wants me to be the best in all my school subjects, best at everything I can be really, and if I don't please him he beats me. My mother just turns a blind eye to it, scared of my father. Scared of the man he has become. I just take the beating without question then cry in my room late at night. I just wish I had someone to confide in, someone to help me through this, but I have no one. Unless you count Crabbe and Goyle, but they're not my friends really. They can't even string two words together. They just follow me round and hang onto my every word and laugh at my jokes or snide comments.  
  
What I wouldn't give to have friends like Potter. I could have been his friend. If I hadn't started to speak like my father, as if I'm above everyone else, but its just a reflex action, my defence system to stop people from seeing how weak I am and how really I have nothing when I make out I have so much. Even the Weasley's have more than I have, they may not have as much money but they have something I never will. Love. The one thing I'd give anything for, I'm not sure I even know what it is. I'll never have friends now it's too late, I've messed everything up for myself.  
  
My housemates like me, but I don't really like them. They're all the same; think they're a step above everyone else, when in reality Slytherin is the most hated house in the school. I hate it most of the time. I like it that they all look up to me but it's for the wrong reasons. They all laugh at the cruel remarks that I make about people like Potter, Granger and Weasley, but in reality I only do it because I'm jealous of them. Jealous of the friendship they have, and the fact that I can't be a part of it all. The only person who really takes an interest in me is Pansy, but I'm not interested in her. She goes on and on about nothing bitching about other people, especially Potter's dream team. I couldn't care less, she just bores me then screams at me when she realises I haven't been listening to her for the past hour or so.  
  
Contrary to what people think I don't hate Potter though. It just stung when he rejected my offer of friendship, but it was my fault really, but I wasn't going to let him see that I thought that so I decided to get my own back. I've been a real jerk to him making his daily life hell. So I'm guessing he probably hates me and I wouldn't blame him either. There's no doubt that Weasley hates me, Granger probably does as well. The amount of times I've called her mudblood. Another one of my father's views… I hate the way I sound like him. I guess I could apologise to them all but that would probably be a waste of time, they'd probably laugh in my face. I don't think I could take that.  
  
I don't really have any achievements to be proud of. Except maybe being on my house Quidditch team, but even then my father had to buy me in. I probably could have got in on my own, my flying is good enough. It's just the team mainly consisted of people who were pretty big. I only wanted to join to prove to myself I was as good as Potter. My school marks are generally good as well, but I'm still not better than Granger. These things don't get to me that much, but they get to my dad.  
  
I think the best thing I can do is try and change as a person. From now on I'm going to keep my mouth shut and keep to myself. I'm going to be who I want to be rather than what everyone else wants or expects me to be. I've been doing that for too long. Maybe I'll find it too hard to change now though… but I refuse to become like my mother. I don't want to be lonely and drove to the point where I just don't care anymore. I want to live and rise to the standards I set for myself. If I succeed maybe I'll find a friend…  
  
But no matter what happens, I won't become the person I hate most. My father.  
  
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This is my first Fanfic here, I hope you like it. I might write a follow up to this about what Draco does when he goes back to school in his 5th year. But I'm not sure… 


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